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3 Ridiculous Coffee Drinkers You Still Love (Mostly)

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Yesterday a woman told me she just drank her first coffee in over four months. Red in the face she clutched her chest, swearing she was experiencing heart palpitations. Ridiculous, I thought, less concerned with her well being, than the urgent need to know what on earth prompted her to give up the elixir of life. Allergies? Was she a “just don”t like the taste” person? Had she somehow reached the human limit for caffeine consumption. No she said, she just thought she’d “try it out”. As someone who only gets out of bed for the immediate promise of caffeine, this may be the most absurd thing I’ve heard in 2016.

What a ridiculous human being.

Anyway here are the most ridiculous coffee drinkers I’ve met during my time as a barista.


She comes in many forms, sometimes covered in polka dots with large owl-like glasses on, other times she’s in flowing linen gabbing about well-balanced chakras. Either way she’s just in this new part of town and was compelled by her horoscope, or possibly the window display, to come try something new! Like, she just want to be surprise! Spontaneous! She’s the Dirty chai, chai-mocha, or (my favourite) green-tea-latte of the world. She’s great customer and a refreshing change from the skinny flat white with one sugar you endure the rest of the day. Although I admit green-tea lattes make my stomach curdle just thinking about them.


He has business. He is very busy. He is visibly impatient in line. He doesn’t bother with small talk. “Hi how are you?” you ask. A double-shot three-quarter-full skinny flat white is how he is. You’ll maybe raise a private eyebrow at this guys apparent inability to realise you too are a person. After all you always judge people who treat the waiter badly. You’ll still make this guy a good coffee, because that’s what you’re about. Also a small part of you thinks this guy is at the end of his rope. Who knows what this guy will do if he’s coffee is sub-par. You seriously hope he takes his vacation soon.


You know who you are. He comes in three times a day. While most customers know the art of waiting casually for their name to be called, somewhere along the lines he’s missed this vital life lesson. After he’s ordered he will stand close as possible to the machine with a look completely empty of any emotion. He breathes heavily through his mouth. He watches while you make coffee and you can’t help but fell that, much like light particles, in being observed so closely your performance is effected. Worse still if you didn’t notice him come in and glance up to see his slack face half a metre from your own. When this happens the resulting accident is akin to seeing a face in your window, or clown where it shouldn’t be. You’re liable to spill whatever liquid on your person — most likely scalding hot water or milk — and swear profusely — most likely in front of an infant. This guy will assume any coffee you finish is his and you’ll have to bat him off four or five orders before his is ready. Eventually you’ll just make his first. When you finally do get to his he’ll stand there and methodically stir in 3-4 sugars into his skinny cap.

Don’t be That Guy.

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