It all started when I had a coffee shop in Sydney in one of the best places in the world: NIDA. The theoretical birthplace of some of Australia’s superstars. Where you get to mingle with the likes of Cate Blanchett and Geoffrey Rush and all the new up-and-comers. I had one goal, to convert everybody there to drink my coffee. It was easy to get all the coffee drinkers, they already bought everyday. They couldn’t go without it. But quickly I realised that you can’t just split it into non-drinkers and drinkers, you have to get a lot more specific than that.
SOMETIMES DRINKERS
These guys are the people who (I have no idea how) can go an entire week on just one coffee. They drink shitloads of tea but only one coffee. They enjoy the taste, and they love a good coffee when they eventually do have one, but they don’t need to have one to survive like the rest of us those lucky bastards.
SKINNY COFFEE WITH ONLY 1 BUCKET OF SUGAR
I love these guys, it’s like they got stuck as a kid wanting to be an adult but not wanting to have to taste what can only be described as: yummy like the inside of an ashtray. What do you do? Add sugar. And there’s no point in getting just the meager whiff of sugar, you might as well go all the way. They might even slip a few packets of sugar into their bag, just in case, you know, the next thing they eat or drink just isn’t quite sweet enough.
DECAFFEINATED PEOPLE
You would think these guys would be hard to convert since they only drink the leftovers. These guys were usually the easiest. They wanted to drink coffee but they didn’t like the effect. So they sit quietly, sipping secretly on their decaf latte and chat along with their friends. The best is when they exhale in satisfaction after their first sip, as if the caffeine they have been fiending for has finally hit their bloodstream.
I KNOW WHAT I WANT AND I WANT WHAT I WANT
Unfortunately, I now preside in this category myself but hey, if the shoe fits… These people are not afraid to send back a coffee if it isn’t right, and so they should. We want what we pay for and we aren’t gonna settle for anything less. You’d send back a badly cooked steak, so why wouldn’t you send back a badly made coffee?
SOY/ALMOND/RICE/COCONUT
Basically these guys are finding new and exciting ways to destroy coffee. I appreciate that some *may* have dietary requirements, but you can usually tell if you can hear them yelling from the back of the queue about the newfound benefits of an Ayurveda detox cleanse (they read about it on Goop.) The people are willing to try anything that the internet has said holds health benefits, whether it compromises the taste, quality, or enjoyment of the coffee.
TRIPLE SHOT LONG BLACK
You’ll find these guys in the shadowy corner of the cafe, usually hunched over their Macbook or orange Penguin Classic, twirling their moustache or adjusting a flannel button down. The best thing about black coffee drinkers is that they’ll usually down about 3 coffees an hour, or until their productivity working on their absurdist Brechtian epic play is hindered by shaking hands.
If you identify strongly with one of these types, don’t fear, the first step to change is acceptance.
Photo by Redd Angelo.
